thank you

thank you blog.  last night i had such a bunch of emotions and no where to express them.  in writing them down, putting them out in the universe, i feel they were heard.  i needed to be heard.  my father still has not called me, but it is okay now.  i took care of my own needs.  and i am sure he is struggling under the weight of his own needs, his own grief.

i have to go to the casino where my cousin and i worked this morning, to take care of some details regarding accomodations for the family that will be coming into town.  i have to go to the office where both my cousin and i worked together, and where his things are still there.  i am afraid of the unknown.  i am afraid of seeing all of my old co-workers/friends who may know and may need consoling or want to console, or want to ask questions.

i think i will take a blanket with me so i can go to the park afterwards and be still.

i just remembered that i can be still right now, right here.  i am stillness.  peace within the troubled waters.

bye Red, i Love you.

my cousin passed early yesterday morning.  i don’t know what to do.  i am so sad.  i just want to put something into words.   i really Loved and appreciated him.  he was one of the best, kindest, loving men i knew.  he was an example of a male figure for me, when i thought i had none.  he took care of me when i needed it, he was a blessing given to me at my darkest hours.  at times when i felt there was no hope, he pointed me in the direction of light.  he was so funny and kept me laughing at times when all wanted to do was cry.  man, i miss him.  i miss him so much and i am so sad that i will never get to hear your voice again.  Red wherever you are, i pray that you are enveloped in Peace and Love.  man i hope to see you again one day.